The "Big Talk"

For over a year I have been preparing myself for the inevitable “Big Talk” with my daughter. I knew that I wanted to have this discussion before junior high and since her 5^th grade school year was winding down, I figured that Spring Break would be the perfect opportunity. I got advice from all my Christian mom friends and borrowed the recommended Christian “Birds and Bees” book.  I got myself ready by:

1)      Prayer

2)      Having the book available and ready

3)      Arranging living room chairs to make a relaxed environment

4)      Attempting to not laugh at corny drawings

5)      Attempting to not stutter, cough, or mumble through embarrassing terminology like pen*s or vig*n*.  As you can see, this did not go over well since I cannot even type the words.  We tend to use immature and non-scientific terms in my house such as “peepee” and “vigigi”. 

When my poor, unsuspecting Tween daughter realized what book was on the coffee table she immediately tried to crawl into a fetal position while mumbling incoherently that she already knew about S.E.X.  Yes, she asked to spell it because she seems to have inherited my inability to speak certain embarrassing words out loud.  I tried to act cool.  I did not freak out when I calmly asked, “Oh really, who told you about it?”  As I am chanting in my brain, “remain calm, remain calm”, I am slowly categorizing all of her “heathen” friends who I am sure are responsible for this lack of propriety.  She tells me that she promised not to tell. After asking nicely, promising not to get mad, attempting to sway her with logic, and torturing her with embarrassing tales of my childhood, I finally broke her down with a bribe of Starbucks and a pedicure. I know, desperate times called for desperate measures.  So beware of the power of Starbucks’ Strawberry Frappuccinos if you have shared a secret with my daughter. She’ll probably spill it under Frappuccino pressure.

Low and behold, her informant ended up being none other than one of her great Christian friends.  The source of their information came from a borrowed Christian book.  Not some “dirty book or website” Not some “heathen” acquaintance with hoochie clothes and absentee parents.  I guess it really is true that we should never "judge a book by its cover".  After coming to terms with the fact that I would not be the first to share this information with her, I told her that we should still read through the book…JUST in case her friend missed any vital information.  We both relaxed, laughed, shared, and it ended up being a great mother-daughter question and answer session. And just to warn you parents, if you have built an environment of trust and they feel comfortable, they will have a lot of questions.  Be prepared to share your testimony, your mistakes, and most importantly the blessings that God has for married couples.

To be honest, what kind of shocked me more than her friend sharing the basics was how much my daughter had already figured out about unwed pregnancy, same-sex couples, and a bunch of other stuff.  This led to a great opportunity for me to share God’s principles from the Bible. Why God desires for us to wait until marriage. Why He desires that we marry someone who loves Him.  You see, a lot of people assume God gets a kick out of having us follow a bunch of rules and regulations. They don’t stop to realize that He is not some mean dictator but a good and loving Dad.  He cautions us about sexual sin, like adultery and having sex without the security of marriage because He knows the pain, devastation, and the far-reaching consequences that accompany broken hearts and broken families.  I made sure to explain how God loves us even when we mess up and that He forgives us our mistakes.  How God sees all sexual sin equally wrong and devastating.  That God hates the results of sin but loves the sinner and that, we as Christians, should also not hate and condemn  Jesus told us that the world would know we are Christians by our love for one another (John 13:35).  I assured her that God loves us all equally and desires all of us to turn from our sins, to believe in His son Jesus and be saved.  I stressed to my daughter the importance of knowing God’s Truth so that she is never swayed by the lies the Devil will try to feed her through peers, adults, media, and the world in general.  

So, here I was worried, wondering if she was ready when really the question was whether I was ready to speak the truth.  I wanted to keep her innocent, my baby girl forever.   I think as parents we want to shelter and protect our children from the evils of this world. From being lead astray.  From being hurt. From being tainted by the darkness that surrounds us.  If we could put them in bubble wrap, keeping them physically and emotionally safe, we would.

What I realized today is that sometimes the way to keep them “safe” is by giving them the power that comes from knowing the TRUTH. We need to empower our children to be strong warriors for God.  Warriors that will set their world on fire for His glory.  The truth will set them free to be the young men and women that God has destined them to be (John 8:32). 

With knowledge they are prepared.

Prepared they are aware.

Aware they are cautious. 

With caution they will gain wisdom.

With wisdom they will make good choices.

Making good choices will keep them in God’s will.

And God's will is always and ultimately the best for our children.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT) "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

We, as parents, need to equip our children with God’s armor.  We need to be ready to stand by them, to fight for them, and we must be fully prepared for the battle in our own armor.  Willing to be their squires and to help them put on each layer of their armor daily so that they can fight the daily battle against sin and temptation.  And when they reach spiritual maturity, we can witness and celebrate the victory that comes from our children embracing their own relationship with God.          

The Whole Armor of God

¹⁰ A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. ¹² For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.¹³ Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. ¹⁴ Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. ¹⁵ For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. ¹⁶ In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. ¹⁷ Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:10-18 (NLT)

^{As a mom, my job is verse 18. I need to:} 

 ¹⁸ Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in my prayers for [my daughter] all believers everywhere.

  So finally, I am glad that "The Big Talk" is over. I am disappointed though that I let fear and embarrassment prevent me from being the first to share what is really God's beautiful design for marriage.  I am thankful that my daughter trusted me enough to open up and share. I pray that this will set the foundation for a continued open and loving relationship.  Even though, I am sure that some days I will wish that Home Depot sold teenage size bubble wrap.  

Love,

Yolanda

PS:  I have received a few questions about the book I used.  In preparation, I read the book "The Big Talk: Talking to Your Child about Sex and Dating" by Laurie Langford last year which I thought was a great book for parents on why it is important to have this discussion with your child. The author speaks from personal experience and I found the book very informative. The book I read to my daughter is "Before I Was Born" by Carolyn Nystrom.