Fears, Tears, Zits...Oh My!

Nanny McPhee

Just to warn you, this is not a devotion.  It is more like a cry for prayer. A few nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night full of fear.  Not fear of an intruder or even a bad dream, but a paralyzing fear of being out of God’s will.  This led to a sleepless night full of negative thoughts.  Thoughts like: “Who am I to try and share God’s word? I don’t even know it that well.  I haven’t gone to Bible College. I didn't grow up in a Christian school.”  Then I started feeling guilty about my unresolved friendship woes which led to feelings of depression, hurt, confusion, anger and basically sin.

We Mexicans are full of our superstitions (I know as a believer I shouldn't be superstitious but it’s part of my culture). Anyways, I am convinced that I have been plagued by the Mexican Curse, “El OJO” because a few mornings ago I woke up with a massive zit on my chin that refuses to go away.  I am one step away from slathering Vicks on it.  If I don’t resolve these issues soon, I am afraid I am going to start looking like Nanny McPhee.

Remember how I mentioned in my profile that stepping out in faith takes courage I don’t have on my own?   That’s because I knew from past experience and from the men and women of the Bible who stepped out in faith, that the Devil uses any means available to try and prevent you from spreading God’s word.  He will use your health, mind, weakness, fears and sometimes, unfortunately, the people around you to hinder your progress.  It could be as simple as a word of discouragement, criticism, a harsh joke that can aim straight for our weak points.  We all have those areas in our life that are fragile, whether it’s suffering from lack of confidence, fear, or feelings of unworthiness.  The Enemy knows the best way to get through our defenses.  I knew all this starting my Blog. My friends warned my to put on the Armor of God, pray and read my Bible.  I thought I was doing pretty good this time, I guess I was wrong…

You see, I have always been a scaredy cat.  I hate getting in trouble, having “discussions”, or basically any form of perceived confrontation.   I will basically do anything to avoid it.  My family could tell you stories of me as a kid crying hysterically when someone else got spanked, running though an amusement park in a panic because I was afraid I was being forced to ride a roller coaster, having to always be put in the same activity as my older sister because I was afraid to be separated from her.  Get the picture.  It gets worse. If I feel like I am in a real pickle, the lying starts.  I know it’s a sin to lie…I am confessing here, OK? I told you I’m not perfect.

My earliest recollection of the lying thing is when I was about 5 years old.  My family had been hired to pick avocados on a rancher’s property.  I LOVE avocados.  I could be perfectly content eating only avocados the rest of my life.  Well, this job was my dream come true. I spent my whole day eating the avocados instead of picking them.  When the day was over, the rancher teased me saying, “Who said you could pick my avocados?”  Well out came the first lie.  “I didn't eat any avocados.”  Only everyone started laughing because my green face told a different story.   I would like to say that I have gotten braver with age.  But this is how the early years of my marriage looked like:  Did you throw away my hunting magazine?  What, Me? I haven’t seen your magazine.  Did you eat the last piece of cheese cake? What me? I didn't eat the cheese cake?  Did you back up into anything with the car? What, Me? I don’t see any dent.

Now, with my daughter being at an age where she’ll rat me out, I have had to fight this urge to lie.  Most recently, my daughter and I were returning a $35 dollar part to Lowe's Home Improvement store.  Right in the Lowe's parking lot, I drop it and it breaks.  My daughter goes, “What are we going to tell dad?”  I had a moral dilemma.  I could go with my initial reaction, hide the broken piece in the car and not say anything or I could fess up.  I told my daughter, “If dad specifically asks if we returned it, I will tell him the truth.  If he doesn't ask, I’ll leave it in the back of the car.”  Well, of course he asked.  Yes, I was a good role model to my daughter, and I told the truth.  Hubby just laughed.  He has gotten pretty good at recognizing my lying face anyway.

Fast forward to how I felt the morning after my sleepless night.  I was literally nauseous from fatigue. My hands were shaking and I felt on the verge of tears.  I had this irrational fear of going to work (and I wasn’t even in trouble or anything). I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed.  So I decided to embrace my inner coward and call a substitute.  I called every number on our sub list, no one could cover for me.  REALLY GOD?  I can’t do it.  Well, I guess the LORD had a different plan.   So I put on my big girl panties, gave myself a pep talk in the shower, took two Bayer Aspirin and prayed, and prayed and prayed.

God knows what we need better than we do.  Being surrounded by preschoolers was exactly what my heart needed.  How can you be depressed or fearful around cheerful, happy faces.  First the children reminded me that I don’t have to be afraid by reciting our monthly Bible verse “Jesus is with me always.” Mathew 28:20  Then my spirits lifted when we sang, “He saved me. I've got the joy of the Lord.”  Next we went for a nature walk and saw all of God’s marvelous creation.  God is all around us if we are willing to look. For example, we counted seven birds nests. Do you know that the number 7 in the Bible stands for God’s completion? Then I remembered the verse, “No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:12 (NIV)  Also, I remembered that the Bible says that we don't need to worry because God takes care of the littlest birds, and that he cares for us so much more than the birds. (Mathew 6:26).  Finally, it was made perfectly clear why I had to conquer my fears and come into work when one of my favorite preschoolers approached me during recess and wanted me to hold her because she was cold.  I guess my Abba Father in heaven knew I needed a hug that day.    
 
I decided I needed to write down the verses on conquering fear so that next time (yes there will be a next time) I panic and want to hide under the covers, I will come back and read this and be encouraged:
1 Peter 3:13-14 (NIV) Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. “Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened.”
1 John 4:18 (NIV) There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears in not made perfect in love.
2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT) For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.
Psalm 56:3-4 (NIV) When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
Psalm 27:1 (NKJV)  The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV) Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

Often when you are desperate to hear from God and begin to search the scriptures, you will read one and you will get that “aha” moment.  When you know in your heart and spirit that God is directing that word for you.  My "aha" moment was Joshua 1:8-10. You see, Joshua had to take over for Moses leading the people into the promise land.  For forty years he had served along side Moses, but he never had to be in charge. Now all of a sudden he was going to have to be responsible for all of these people. There were unknown blessings to be had in this new promise land but also unknown and scary enemies to be conquered.  God spoke these words to Joshua
“Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

I know that God has given me this calling to share His Gospel through my writing. Not because I am the best writer or even that I know that much about the Bible.  But because I am conquering my fear and letting all of my imperfections, messy life, and vulnerabilities be used for His glory, warts, zits and all.  How do I know this you may ask?  Well because I have exactly 55 friends on Facebook, who all live in the USA, with whom I share my Blog updates.  Yet my Blog is being read in Russia, Germany, Romania, Italy, Philippines, Australia, Ukraine, Canada, France and Croatia. This is happening without any help from me.  Praise God!!! Every time I see a new country, I get so excited because I feel like a small bit of me is there sharing God's love for you.  Pray for me, as I am praying for you, that I listen to God's word to Joshua and commit myself to reading God's word daily and that I OBEY it!  

I am going to work on conquering this fear and getting rid of this zit because I refuse to look like Nanny McPhee.  I can do ALL things through Christ that strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13) I am going to see myself as my daughter painted me below, as a daughter of God, being used as His “Word Traveler”.

My Mom, the Word Traveler 

Great praise song for conquering Fear, Break Through by Don Moen
Praise song, Mighty to Save