Home School Phobia

Do you remember when we were kids and the night before school started would come the dreaded naked dream? You know the one. You are heading for class and suddenly you look down and you are naked, in your underwear or something equally horrifying.  I would have this dream every year like clockwork.  Well this year, I would gladly take my naked dream over the sudden onslaught of H.S.P (otherwise known as Home School Phobia).  Did you know that there is such a thing as School Phobia? If I try hard enough I can always find an excuse for all of my craziness. The symptoms of this phobia are dizziness, stomach aches, headaches, fatigue, and anxiety.  Technically, the desire to curl into the fetal position is not listed as a symptom but I think it should be.  

This year I have decided to bite the bullet and home school. Do I want to home school? No. But you know how sometimes life requires you to make hard choices for the better good. Well this year the better good is getting my daughter into an excellent charter school. This school is so coveted that there is a huge waiting list and the registration process resembles the line at the DMV just more efficient and better organized. Every child’s name goes into a lottery system for a chance of being on campus five days a week.  If you don’t win the lottery, you have to be willing to home school 5 days a week or if God has mercy on your peace of mind and heart condition, you are blessed with only having to home school 3 days a week.   God knows I already live on Bayer Aspirin so thankfully I am only responsible for teaching history, science and P.E. three days a week.  How bad can I mess that up? Don’t answer that.

Luckily, for my sake and my daughter’s, I will not have to “teach” her math.  I confess I was a straight A student but math has always been my Achilles Heel. Apparently being math challenged is a genetic trait so my daughter is currently being tutored because the last time I helped her on her 4^th grade homework she got an F.  And most recently when I corrected her tutoring homework (cheating with a calculator) we still got two wrong.  I know, how does that even happen?

Yesterday, I attended the charter school orientation meeting and came home suffering a complete panic attack.  Attempting to not freak out my daughter, I painted a smile on my face and went and hid in my room for a while.  My husband took one look at my pale face and started to give me the “man” talk about how this was MY brilliant idea.  He must have quickly realized I was crawling into the fetal position and finally just gave me a hug.  Sometimes hugs are a very good thing. 

 

I know that in the long run this is the best course of action for my daughter but this road is going to be hard and require sacrifices.  Because I am going to be home more, my husband is going to require home cooked meals that do not include “frozen” or “processed” as the main ingredient.  Also, the house is going to have to be clean and not just have the appearance of being clean that is obtained by spraying Clorox Clean-Up right before hubby comes home.  Also, I am responsible for teaching my child physical education and I am pretty sure that entails some form of physical activity requiring sweating. Unfortunately, blogging is not considered a sport.

The hardest part for me will be not be working full time.  After my daughter was born, I gave up my job at a large corporation and I really struggled losing my work identity.  I loved the fellowship of my coworkers and the fulfillment of doing a good job. Being a stay at home mom was a blessing but sometimes as moms we lose a little bit of ourselves in the process especially when domestically challenged.  I thrive in a work environment.  These last few years, I had gone back to work full time while my daughter was at school and I had found myself again.  Today as my coworkers went back to their classrooms, I felt a sense of depression and loneliness.  I am going to miss not seeing my preschoolers and fellow teachers everyday but I am praying that the Lord opens the doors for me to work those two glorious “free” days because I think God knows that my mental, emotional and spiritual health need it.

With the stress and anxiety that comes from life changes and challenges comes the doubts.  Am I doing the right thing? Should I have just stayed status quo at her old school?  Am I capable of home schooling? How will this affect my relationship with my daughter, my husband? OK….breath.  Refrain from the fetal position.  The great thing about stress though is that it gets you back to praying and relying on God.  I admit I have been spiritually coasting this summer.  Placing God on the back burner until summer was over.  But as I have hit this wall of panic, I know that the only one that can help me is Jesus.  My fellow home school moms have reminded me that I am capable academically. I excelled in school, I’m organized, I’m a rule follower, basically I was a teacher’s pet.  Now I just have to pass on these skills to my daughter. But I also know my limitations and fears so we will be starting each school morning with prayer and devotion.  I am trusting God to help me with all of the rest. Ultimately I know He is in control. I just have to take the steps of faith.  I love that scene from the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Jones has to take a leap of faith off the cliff and when he does an invisible bridge appears.  That is what I feel like right now as I type this post, like I am stepping off a ledge of security unto the unknown.  But I know I must have faith that Jesus will be my bridge.

Isaiah 41:10 (NLT) Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. 

 

 Love, 

Yolanda