Am I BRAVE Enough to Survive Tweenhood?

Recently I suffered a mild panic attack while my daughter was away at camp. I started stressing and doubting my parenting skills, probably because my daughter has entered this strange and scary age known as Tweenhood and I feel totally unprepared.  I have not experienced such a feeling of overwhelming doubt since my daughter was born.  During the first four months of her life I suffered from post partum depression and sleep deprivation.  I was in such a daze of worry and panic about caring for an infant that I neglected to enjoy the blessing of having a new baby.  This has been my biggest regret in parenting so far and I wish I could be given those four months again as a do over.

After slapping myself around and telling myself that I would not allow fear and doubt to rob me of this next season of my daughter’s life, I did what I have always been good at, admitting my ignorance, hitting the books, and doing some research.  I would like to share with you two things that I believe were divinely placed in my sights that gave me a sense of peace and confidence that I can brave this new frontier with my daughter and that both of us are going to come out OK.

First, I discovered a Christian book, Mom‘s Ultimate Guide to the Tween Girl World by Nancy Rue, that is an absolute must if you are a mom of a tween.  I discovered that tweens are between the age of 8-12 and are starting to experience all the ‘”joys“ of puberty.  The average girl starts puberty at age 9.  Scary! This book helped me realize that this stage of development is not to be feared but embraced.  The author writes, “For example, in the tween years, your daughter is still more likely to look to you for guidance, security, and all-out authority than she is anyone else…She wants you. She responds to you. She soaks you up like the proverbial sponge, especially when you aren’t looking.”  The author, who specializes in girls of this age, gives tools for moms to use ("before the confusion and cynicism of the teenage years"), to build a solid relationship with their daughters that has a foundation of love, acceptance, humor and open communication.  Our job as moms is to guide not dictate.  We must guide them to become the women God has created and uniquely gifted them to be, which may or may not be what we have planned.  The author, Nancy Rue, has a prayer format she uses after each chapter, and my favorite prayer is:  “Lord God, thank you for making ___________ everything you want her to be. Please help me to see what that is.  Please guide me in guiding her to embrace her me-ness. I know I can’t do it for her, so please, please bridge the gap between what she needs in order to be truly authentic, and what help I have to give.”   I would lend you ladies my copy of the book, but I have completely highlighted it, written notes, and it is going to sit on my night stand for the next few years.  I recommend getting your own.

Secondly, you must make a date with your daughter to see the movie BRAVE.  This movie is a wonderful portrayal of a mother and daughter having to learn to listen to one another.  As they are forced to team up to fight an evil spell, they begin to see and appreciate their differences and uniqueness.  In the beginning of the movie, the mother only sees one path and destiny for her daughter, HER path, and she demands perfection.  By refusing to acknowledge that the daughter is gifted and talented in areas that are different from her own, she is slowly destroying the spirit of her daughter.   Soon, the daughter rebels and ends up getting herself into trouble and risking the life of her mother.  The movie ends with mom becoming the fierce “mama bear” that saves her daughter’s life and the daughter realizes that her mom, even though she has made some mistakes, has always been there for her.   Mom realizes that in order for her daughter to be truly happy, she must find and follow her own path.  Moms, bring a tissue, because if you are anything like me, you will see yourself in this mom’s shoes.        

Photo inspiration for this post provided by my friend, Chelsea. 

I want to end with this adorable picture of my friend’s daughter in her mom’s shoes.  Lately my daughter has taken to borrowing my high heels and parading around the house.  More frightening then the fact that she fits in my shoes is that she actually walks better in them than I do.  This is the perfect image to illustrate the tween heart.  They want to step into our shoes for a season and try them on for size, but the path they walk in has to be the one God has set for them.   We can hold their hand and help them keep their balance, but before long we must set them loose to dance to their own tune that the Holy Spirit has placed in their hearts.  But moms, we can rest in the knowledge that God is going to fill in the gaps of our guidance because He loves our little girls more than we do.

Psalm 32:8 (NIV)
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go, I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

Proverbs 1:33 (NIV)
But whoever listens to me will live safely and be at ease, without fear of harm.

Before you think I have this whole tween thing figured out, my daughter is currently in her room reflecting on how it’s probably not a good idea to talk back to your mom after she treated you to a movie, lunch, and some play time with her cousins.  Oh well, one positive is that I had a little peace and quiet to finish my post.

Love,
Yolanda