Am I BRAVE Enough to Survive Tweenhood?

Recently I suffered a mild panic attack while my daughter was away at camp. I started stressing and doubting my parenting skills, probably because my daughter has entered this strange and scary age known as Tweenhood and I feel totally unprepared.  I have not experienced such a feeling of overwhelming doubt since my daughter was born.  During the first four months of her life I suffered from post partum depression and sleep deprivation.  I was in such a daze of worry and panic about caring for an infant that I neglected to enjoy the blessing of having a new baby.  This has been my biggest regret in parenting so far and I wish I could be given those four months again as a do over.

After slapping myself around and telling myself that I would not allow fear and doubt to rob me of this next season of my daughter’s life, I did what I have always been good at, admitting my ignorance, hitting the books, and doing some research.  I would like to share with you two things that I believe were divinely placed in my sights that gave me a sense of peace and confidence that I can brave this new frontier with my daughter and that both of us are going to come out OK.

First, I discovered a Christian book, Mom‘s Ultimate Guide to the Tween Girl World by Nancy Rue, that is an absolute must if you are a mom of a tween.  I discovered that tweens are between the age of 8-12 and are starting to experience all the ‘”joys“ of puberty.  The average girl starts puberty at age 9.  Scary! This book helped me realize that this stage of development is not to be feared but embraced.  The author writes, “For example, in the tween years, your daughter is still more likely to look to you for guidance, security, and all-out authority than she is anyone else…She wants you. She responds to you. She soaks you up like the proverbial sponge, especially when you aren’t looking.”  The author, who specializes in girls of this age, gives tools for moms to use ("before the confusion and cynicism of the teenage years"), to build a solid relationship with their daughters that has a foundation of love, acceptance, humor and open communication.  Our job as moms is to guide not dictate.  We must guide them to become the women God has created and uniquely gifted them to be, which may or may not be what we have planned.  The author, Nancy Rue, has a prayer format she uses after each chapter, and my favorite prayer is:  “Lord God, thank you for making ___________ everything you want her to be. Please help me to see what that is.  Please guide me in guiding her to embrace her me-ness. I know I can’t do it for her, so please, please bridge the gap between what she needs in order to be truly authentic, and what help I have to give.”   I would lend you ladies my copy of the book, but I have completely highlighted it, written notes, and it is going to sit on my night stand for the next few years.  I recommend getting your own.

Secondly, you must make a date with your daughter to see the movie BRAVE.  This movie is a wonderful portrayal of a mother and daughter having to learn to listen to one another.  As they are forced to team up to fight an evil spell, they begin to see and appreciate their differences and uniqueness.  In the beginning of the movie, the mother only sees one path and destiny for her daughter, HER path, and she demands perfection.  By refusing to acknowledge that the daughter is gifted and talented in areas that are different from her own, she is slowly destroying the spirit of her daughter.   Soon, the daughter rebels and ends up getting herself into trouble and risking the life of her mother.  The movie ends with mom becoming the fierce “mama bear” that saves her daughter’s life and the daughter realizes that her mom, even though she has made some mistakes, has always been there for her.   Mom realizes that in order for her daughter to be truly happy, she must find and follow her own path.  Moms, bring a tissue, because if you are anything like me, you will see yourself in this mom’s shoes.        

Photo inspiration for this post provided by my friend, Chelsea. 

I want to end with this adorable picture of my friend’s daughter in her mom’s shoes.  Lately my daughter has taken to borrowing my high heels and parading around the house.  More frightening then the fact that she fits in my shoes is that she actually walks better in them than I do.  This is the perfect image to illustrate the tween heart.  They want to step into our shoes for a season and try them on for size, but the path they walk in has to be the one God has set for them.   We can hold their hand and help them keep their balance, but before long we must set them loose to dance to their own tune that the Holy Spirit has placed in their hearts.  But moms, we can rest in the knowledge that God is going to fill in the gaps of our guidance because He loves our little girls more than we do.

Psalm 32:8 (NIV)
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go, I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

Proverbs 1:33 (NIV)
But whoever listens to me will live safely and be at ease, without fear of harm.

Before you think I have this whole tween thing figured out, my daughter is currently in her room reflecting on how it’s probably not a good idea to talk back to your mom after she treated you to a movie, lunch, and some play time with her cousins.  Oh well, one positive is that I had a little peace and quiet to finish my post.

Love,
Yolanda

Are You There God? It's Me, Yolanda.

Have you ever had one of those days when you wish your life came with a rewind button?  When my daughter was born, I couldn't wait for her to sleep through the night. When she slept through the night, I couldn't wait for her to get out of her crib. When she crawled, I couldn't wait for her to walk.  You get the picture.  I was always anticipating the next stage.  Then she hit kindergarten.  All of a sudden, that advice, “Enjoy the moment because before you know it it’s gone” struck home.  I blinked and she was graduating from kindergarten, then first grade, second, and third. Now junior high is right around the corner and I am not ready.  REWIND, REWIND, REWIND.

Yesterday, we had one of those mother/daughter days that either kills you or makes you stronger.  We had to shop for her first bra.  Now before you get all mad, I got my daughter's permission to write this post.  I have been dreading this day. I literally felt sick to my stomach.  You see, when I hit puberty, I went a little crazy.  I have discovered over the years that any hormone imbalance quickly makes me wacky.  I remember getting all emotional, hiding in my room, and basically turning into a “freak” like my sister fondly recalls.  My daughter, on the other hand, is totally cool about it all. Last year, she asked me about the big P.E.R.I.O.D while I was driving.  You see, I can’t even say it. I have to spell it. I tried to stall, jump out of the car, but she was determined.  So I gave her my interpretation of the whole bloody mess (no pun intended) and quickly went and purchased the book, “The Care & Keeping of You (American Girl) by Valorie Schaefer.  I handed her the book, told her to read it on her own, and come to me with any questions.  I thought about going through it with her but I took one look at the cartoon drawing of how to insert a T.A.M.P.O.N and about lost my lunch.  You have got to give credit to that American Girl. She really does a good job of handling the whole puberty deal.  So last year, my daughter and I started praying that the Lord postpones the whole P.E.R.I.O.D thing for as long as possible, even post Rapture would be fine with me. So far, so good. I think God knows, I am just not ready yet.

After consulting the internet (you really can GOOGLE anything) about where to find the perfect starter bra, we headed to JCPenny to get measured.  On the way, I kept staring at my daughter’s chest trying to will them away.  Unfortunately, I have no magic powers and only succeeded in making her self-conscious. Luckily, we were blessed with a young sales lady and not an old one because I kept having a flashback to the movie scene from Sixteen Candles where Molly Ringwald gets “measured” by her grandmother.  It took an hour of debating, cringing, laughing, and finally compromising on a Tween version of a sports bra.  After enduring such a momentous occasion, I figured we needed a little ice cream and Judy Blume.

When I was about my daughter's age, I read one of my favorite books of all time, “Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret.”  Judy Blume captured the feelings of fear, insecurity, and wonderment experienced by every young girl during this season of life.  I gifted it to my daughter in the hopes that it would mean as much to her as it had to me. When I tried to hand it over, I kept flipping through it longingly until finally she says, “Mom, do you want to read it first?”  OK! You know, all good parents read their children’s books first to make sure that there is nothing inappropriate. So when we came home, I shut myself in my room, laid on my bed and embraced my inner 12 year old as I slowly read through the pages of an old friend.

Margaret worries about moving to a new house, making friends, boys, buying her first bra, and getting her period.  As I read, I realized I had forgotten a major aspect of this book.  Margret is given a school assignment where she has to research something meaningful.  She decides to research religion. Her mom was raised Christian and her dad Jewish. Their families disapproved of the marriage so Margaret’s parents eloped and abandoned both religions.  Margaret is raised without religion and her parents expect her to choose when she gets older.  Only Margaret has a secret that she doesn’t share with anyone. She already talks to God, everyday about everything: boys, bras, worries, guilt, homework assignments, and wanting to fit in and be like everyone else.

Margaret decides to visit a Jewish temple, a Christian church, and a Catholic mass. The more she looks for God in organized religion, the farther she feels from Him.  Margaret prays, “I’ve been looking for you God. I looked in temple. I looked in church. And today, I looked for you when I wanted to confess. But you weren’t there. I didn’t feel you at all. Not the way I do when I talk to you at night. Why God? Why do I only feel you when I’m alone?”

When I read this, it struck me how we can be like Margaret.  Going through the motions at church but never really encountering God.  We can sit in the pew, sing the songs, put money in the offering basket and put on a religious face but never quite feel God.  Sometimes we can be like Margaret’s grandparents who force people to fit into their “religious” box and turn them away when they don’t.  When all along, the only thing God wants from us is to have the type of relationship He has with Margaret.  Intimate conversations through out the day and in bed talking to him about everything.  No detail of our lives in considered silly or a waste of time to God.  I think if we talked to God like Margaret talked to God, we would never feel alone.

I am so glad I took the time to read this great book again because it reminded me that I am God’s daughter and He cares about all of my crazy thoughts, feelings, dreams, disappointments, struggles.  I pray that when my daughter reads it she sees beyond the humor of bras, periods, and first kisses and sees God’s heart for His daughters. God loves His daughters and wants to share every experience with us.
Jeremiah 33:3  Call on Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things.
John 16:24 Ask and you will receive, that your joy will be full.
Psalm 116:1 I love the LORD because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy
1 John 5:14 Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.

We all can be confident in God’s love for us and know He wouldn’t miss out on a single moment of our lives for anything.  We can all pray like Margaret, “Are you there God, It’s me, _________.  I know you’re there God. I know you wouldn’t have missed this for anything! Thank you God. Thanks an awful lot….”

Love,
Yolanda

PS: I couldn't help it. I had to post the Sixteen Candles movie clip.  Warning: Only watch first 60 seconds because there is a bad word spoken towards end of clip. SORRY. Too funny to pass up.