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| From our honeymoon in San Francisco |
Today is my 18th wedding anniversary and I have finally discovered the secret to surviving and thriving in marriage - stupidity. There is a great quote by the French poet, Paul Valery “Love is being stupid together.” You see my husband and I could earn prizes for the times we have been stupid. Stupidity can be a bad thing when done alone, but when you are stupid TOGETHER it can be pretty great. Let me explain:
When you are stupid alone you
are usually being foolish, ill advised, or unthinking. These are usually the actions or comments we
make that hurt our spouses feelings.
Most of the time we don’t mean to hurt the other person, we just don’t
think before we speak. Take for example, when my husband mentioned that his old
crush had great legs about three months after we started dating. Not
smart. As you can see, he failed to think
about the negative consequences of me bringing that up for the next 18 years. Or my husband laughing while I slid down a
hill on my butt while on a hike with my in-laws – very, very foolish. Or trying to force me to wear his favorite
80s clothes two decades too late – just sad. Lastly, saying that working with
preschoolers is a piece of cake – very ill advised. I think I may have actually thrown something after that
comment. In all fairness, I have hurt
my husbands feeling over the years but he has forgiven me so why bring it
up?
Because we are gaining wisdom
the longer we have been married we have learned to take King Solomon’s advice,
“there is a time to be silent and a time to talk.” Ecclesiastes 3:7 For example, I no longer ask my husband if
I look fat in a particular outfit or while taking a shower. Definitely a time to be silent. He has also learned that “kind words are
like honey - sweet to the soul and healthy for the body”. (Proverbs
16:24) I have always had a poor body
image but the kinder his words, the more confident I feel in my own skin. Now
that is smart. I have learned the
benefit of timing when approaching my husband on important issues such as
needing him to baby-sit on a Friday night so I can go see the new Twilight film
for the third time. The right word
at the right time - beautiful! Proverbs 15:23 (MSG)
Being stupid together can be
magical. Stupid can be defined as
stunned, dazed and naive. Remember how
you felt on your wedding day, the anticipation of being united to the one you
love. Seeing them waiting for you down
the aisle in all of their finery, you were stunned by their beauty.
You’ve captured my heart,
dear friend….One look my way and I was hopelessly in love! Song of Solomon 4:10
(MSG)
Or on your honeymoon when
you’re both naïve and every new experience is a shared adventure. Learning together should be the cement that
binds you. Making mistakes during the learning curve can be part of the fun, as
long as you give grace to one another. Webster defines grace as an exercise of
love, kindness and mercy. Grace is an
absolute requirement for a marriage to survive and thrive.
Stupid can also mean silly
and frivolous. My husband and I are perfecting this form of stupidity in our
40s and our marriage has benefited. My
husband is constantly making me laugh and giving me great writing material for
my blog and I have tried to lighten up and not take everything so
personal. I also try to surprise him
every once in awhile just to keep him guessing. Recently, I sneaked one of those plastic dummies that Costco uses
for swimsuits under the covers on his side of the bed. He freaked out and I almost peed
laughing. Your marriage should be
filled with laughter – just be sure to laugh with each other and not at each
other.
In our 40s, we started prioritizing romantic dates. We have taken salsa lessons, belly danced, tried mud baths and couple massages. Also, since it took us until 40 to start texting, we have made up for lost time by competing at who can write the craziest and sexiest texts (I’m the writer so I’m winning). It reminds me of the love letters my husband used to leave on my car windshield when we were dating. These silly words of love bring a smile to my face and help me make it through the day. Most importantly, we have finally stopped trying to change one another and have learned to love each other just the way God made us.
In our 40s, we started prioritizing romantic dates. We have taken salsa lessons, belly danced, tried mud baths and couple massages. Also, since it took us until 40 to start texting, we have made up for lost time by competing at who can write the craziest and sexiest texts (I’m the writer so I’m winning). It reminds me of the love letters my husband used to leave on my car windshield when we were dating. These silly words of love bring a smile to my face and help me make it through the day. Most importantly, we have finally stopped trying to change one another and have learned to love each other just the way God made us.
I love the movie Crazy,
Stupid, Love (warning PG-13) because it illustrates the work it requires to find
and keep the one you love. Steve Carell
gives a beautiful speech at the end of the movie about not giving up on the
love of your life. I believe marriage is the
hardest job you’ll ever have, second only to parenting. There is no retirement plan, no vacation
time, and no sabbatical. If you want to
keep this job, it requires work and sacrifice.
Are we going to mess up sometimes? Yep. But always remember to “continue
to show deep love for each other because love covers a multitude of sins”. 1 Peter 4:8
Loving someone is forgiving,
letting go, and being willing to start anew.
God desires that we love each other the way Christ loved us,
sacrificially, putting others first, seeing the good, overlooking the not so
good, and in service to one another. Most of us have the following scripture (1
Corinthians 13:4-8) read at our weddings because the words sound so beautiful
but LIVING those words is harder. Living them is so worth it though because that's what makes marriages beautiful. So every morning, especially when we've been
stupid alone, pray for a full measure of God’s grace and mercy so that you can
pass that grace and mercy on to your spouse.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (MSG)
…So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always “me first,” doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always,always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies…
God ordained marriage for our
benefit so that we would not be alone. God knew it was not good for man to be
alone so he gave him a helpmate. (Genesis 2:18) Life can be difficult but a
loving partner can make the journey easier.
Two people are better off
than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other
can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
I know I don’t want to fall
down alone. So even if my hubby laughs when I fall down, I can ALWAYS count on his hand there to pick me up. Happy Anniversary, Honey. I
knew on our first date at In-and-Out that I had found “the one” when you gave
me the “wait until marriage” speech before I even had a bite of my burger. And
then continued to politely inform me that this would be our last date unless I
was in complete agreement. Good thing I
was in agreement and held you to it because I thank God everyday that He saved
you for me. You will always be my one and only love. J
Love,
Yolanda
These songs were sang at our wedding by my lovely and talented sister....
