Do you remember when we were kids and the night before school started would come the dreaded naked dream? You know the one.
You are heading for class and suddenly you look down and you are
naked, in your underwear or something equally horrifying. I would have this dream every year like
clockwork. Well this year, I would
gladly take my naked dream over the sudden onslaught of H.S.P (otherwise known
as Home School Phobia). Did you know
that there is such a thing as School Phobia? If I try hard enough I can always
find an excuse for all of my craziness. The symptoms of this phobia are
dizziness, stomach aches, headaches, fatigue, and anxiety. Technically, the desire to curl into the
fetal position is not listed as a symptom but I think it should be.
This year I have decided to bite the bullet and home school.
Do I want to home school? No. But you know how sometimes life requires you to
make hard choices for the better good. Well this year the better good is
getting my daughter into an excellent charter school. This school is so coveted
that there is a huge waiting list and the registration process resembles the
line at the DMV just more efficient and better organized. Every child’s name
goes into a lottery system for a chance of being on campus five days a
week. If you don’t win the lottery, you
have to be willing to home school 5 days a week or if God has mercy on your
peace of mind and heart condition, you are blessed with only having to home
school 3 days a week. God knows I
already live on Bayer Aspirin so thankfully I am only responsible for teaching
history, science and P.E. three days a week.
How bad can I mess that up? Don’t answer that.
Luckily, for my sake and my daughter’s, I will not have to
“teach” her math. I confess I was a
straight A student but math has always been my Achilles Heel. Apparently being
math challenged is a genetic trait so my daughter is currently being tutored
because the last time I helped her on her 4th grade homework she got
an F. And most recently when I
corrected her tutoring homework (cheating with a calculator) we still got two
wrong. I know, how does that even
happen?
Yesterday, I attended the charter school orientation meeting
and came home suffering a complete panic attack. Attempting to not freak out my daughter, I painted a smile on my
face and went and hid in my room for a while.
My husband took one look at my pale face and started to give me the
“man” talk about how this was MY brilliant idea. He must have quickly realized I was crawling into the fetal
position and finally just gave me a hug.
Sometimes hugs are a very good thing.
I know that in the long run this is the best course of
action for my daughter but this road is going to be hard and require
sacrifices. Because I am going to be
home more, my husband is going to require home cooked meals that do not include
“frozen” or “processed” as the main ingredient. Also, the house is going to have to be clean and not just have the
appearance of being clean that is obtained by spraying Clorox Clean-Up right before
hubby comes home. Also, I am
responsible for teaching my child physical education and I am pretty sure that entails
some form of physical activity requiring sweating. Unfortunately, blogging is
not considered a sport.
The hardest part for me will be not be working full time. After my daughter
was born, I gave up my job at a large corporation and I really struggled losing
my work identity. I loved the fellowship of my coworkers and the fulfillment of doing a good job. Being a stay at home
mom was a blessing but sometimes as moms we lose a little bit of ourselves in
the process especially when domestically challenged. I thrive in a work environment.
These last few years, I had gone back to work full time while my daughter
was at school and I had found myself again.
Today as my coworkers went back to their classrooms, I felt a sense of
depression and loneliness. I am going
to miss not seeing my preschoolers and fellow teachers everyday but I am
praying that the Lord opens the doors for me to work those two glorious “free”
days because I think God knows that my mental, emotional and spiritual
health need it.
With the stress and anxiety that comes from life changes and
challenges comes the doubts. Am I doing
the right thing? Should I have just stayed status quo at her old school? Am I capable of home schooling? How will
this affect my relationship with my daughter, my husband? OK….breath. Refrain from the fetal position. The great thing about stress though is that
it gets you back to praying and relying on God. I admit I have been spiritually coasting this summer. Placing God on the back burner until summer
was over. But as I have hit this wall
of panic, I know that the only one that can help me is Jesus. My fellow home school moms have reminded me
that I am capable academically. I excelled in school, I’m organized, I’m a rule
follower, basically I was a teacher’s pet.
Now I just have to pass on these skills to my daughter. But I also know
my limitations and fears so we will be starting each school morning with prayer
and devotion. I am trusting God to help
me with all of the rest. Ultimately I know He is in control. I just have to
take the steps of faith. I love that
scene from the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Jones has to take
a leap of faith off the cliff and when he does an invisible bridge
appears. That is what I feel like right
now as I type this post, like I am stepping off a ledge of security unto the
unknown. But I know I must have faith that Jesus will be my bridge.
Isaiah 41:10 (NLT) Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t
be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will
hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Love,
Yolanda
